Locked Out

The other day, Max locked my entire family out of the house. I know, I know, I’m sure you’re all as puzzled as we were as to how he managed it.

Well, Max has this toy. It’s a neon green rubber bone that he loves to carry around in his mouth much like a rich old businessman would carry his cigar.

Only less angry.

The whole Smith family was going out the front door to have a grand old time at the Lakeville movie theater. Max, rubber bone in mouth, stared sadly out the window alongside the door as we drove off down the street.

Two and a half hours and one bucket of popcorn later, we returned home with the leftovers to give to Ruby and Max. (They are great popcorn fiends.) My sister unlocked the door and managed to open it an inch before it stopped. The Smith family ceased its chatter as we stared, puzzled, at the door. My sister gave it another tentative push. Nothing. 

While we struggled, pushed and wiggled the stuck door, Max and Ruby stared at us out the window, happily wagging their tails like this was the best game we had ever invented. As our frustration continued, their glee only increased until they were bounding around like two spring loaded jumping beans.

Finally, we had the sense to use the key pad on the garage door open the garage door and get in that way. It took us entirely too long and involved a lot of…

Now, wait a minute wait a minute wait a minute…what’s the code again?

I just told you the code.

I KNOW, but the door didn’t open.

Did you press the up and down button?

*Scathing look* Of COURSE I pushed the button.

Well, try it again.

*Tries again  with definite up/down button pushing*

*Door opens*

Huh…well, I guess I maybe didn’t push the button.

Five minutes later, we’re all finally inside the house and go to investigate what made our door stick. It turns out that after we had left, Max somehow managed to wedge his neon green bone in the gap between the bottom of the door and the floor. Much like one of those brown wedge-shaped door stops. But neon green. And bone-shaped. And pointing in the wrong direction.

We came to the conclusion that Max was upset we had left him behind when we went to the movie, and after many hugs, kisses, and a solemn promise to never see anything starring Robert Pattenson* without him again, we could sleep safe in the knowledge that we would no longer be locked out of our own house by man’s best friend.

*I don’t actually think the movie had R-Patz in it, but I image that would be Max’s favorite actor. He does have voluminous hair, and sparkles in the sunlight. What more can a guy ask for?

You're Being Watched...

You may be under the impression that because Ruby and Max are large, they make great watch dogs.

Not so.

In our house there are many terrifying things, things you need protection from. A chair might fall over, for example.  Sometimes my mom decides to use the swiffer on our kitchen floor (absolutely petrifying). Or sometimes, on those rare occasions of both a full moon and Friday the 13^th, the Laminated-Sheet-Of-Paper monster will rear it’s ugly head.

These are all things that people need protection from.

So why, with all these daily horrors, would Max and Ruby need to guard us against something as insignificant as a stranger at the front door? Daily life at the Smith house is so frightening, package delivery people, handymen (or women), and that creepy guy you hired to clean out your vents are greeted with enthusiastic tail wagging.

Or just this:

Whichever the case may be, I think it’s safe to say that the only way a burglar or ax murderer will be prevented from entering our house in the middle of the night is if Ruby falls asleep in front of the door. Once she’s out, she’s a hard lady to move.

Ruby's Employed!

For anyone who hasn’t yet heard, Ruby is now a certified therapy dog. Instead of spending her free time face-planting Max into snow drifts, she now visits a local schools and libraries and reads with kids from Kindergarten to 3^rd grade. In exchange for helping these children practice their literacy, she gets to lie around and listen to stories all afternoon. Sweet deal, right?

You’d think so, wouldn’t you? But no one could have foreseen the unfortunate consequences of the events previous to story time….BATH TIME!!!!!

Now, for Ruby this isn’t a big deal. She is a Newfoundland after all, and couldn’t be more at home in the water if she’d been adopted by a pack of wild frogs when she was a puppy. For Ruby, bath time is not an issue. It’s Max who still has nightmares.

As I’m sure many of you know, with siblings, what you do for one, you have to do for the other or life is a horrible, unfair, temper tantrum day. Well, same thing goes for pet owners. You can’t really give one dog a bath and leave the other to frolic joyfully in his masculine odors, which is how Max and Ruby ended up at the doggie beauty parlor.

Everything was going smoothly, so we were told, until the groomer discovered a large amount of matting near Max’s derriere. No amount of combing could untangle these knots, and Max was beginning to get pretty anxious by the time his stylist arrived at the last resort.

Shave the mats out.

A necessary, yet desperate measure, Max’s buns were now exposed to the sub zero weather of last week. As a result, whenever he absolutely HAD to go to the bathroom (and trust me, he could hold out for a while) we would open the door so he could sprint outside, piddle as quickly as possible and come charging back up the stairs to bang on the door and scream bloody murder because his humps were frozen.

But, this story does have a happy ending. After the trauma of BATH TIME Max now enjoys many nights warming his buns by the fire and sampling popcorn while watching a little reality TV before dozing off and dreaming sweet dreams of furry underpants.

Oh dear me!

Another month gap between posts! I'm so sorry, but the holidays totally got to me this year.

First there was fighting over the bargains on Black Friday




Wrapping Christmas presents...unwrapping Christmas presents...




And of course there's New Years Day morning...who even remembers that!?




So I hope you'll forgive my poor blogging habits! It's my resolution to do better in the future!

And thanks to the lovely Tom for the super cute pictures!

Oh the weather outside is frightful...

And so is my history with blogging.

To appease you all I offer the following tidings of comfort and joy:

Go see Hairy Potter, in theaters now!





We promise it will be better than Batdog: Return of the Sassy Puss.


And finally:




You better get to bed or Santa will never come!

Ruby Says I Need to Post More!

Today, Ruby gave me this look:

She says I need to put more fun Max and Ruby stories up! Well, Max's front foot recently received a manicure and is now half baby blue and half sassy red. He's feeling patriotic and FIERCE!

Ruby's fur has reacted negatively to the humidity and she now has an afro. An all around fashionable day at the Smith House!

Happy 4th of July!!!!

Max and Ruby would like to wish you all a Happy 4th of July....if they weren't so busy hiding under the table from all those crazy fireworks. To celebrate the 4th, here's a video of Max being terrified by some unknown laminated object sliding across the floor. Bon Appetit!